An Open Letter to Rihanna - The Bigger Picture - Your Life - MSN Lifestyle

Instead of lecturing Rhianna, why doesn't she write an open letter to Chris Brown instead? I am so sick of all the focus on the victim. When are we going to put the focus where it rightfully belongs, on the perpetrator of the crime?

If someone gets mugged, we don't say it was the victim's fault. If a store gets robbed, we don't focus on the clerk who handed over the money. But when it comes to domestic abuse, it seems the only one we focus on and question is the one who is in the weaker position and is receiving the abuse. When are we going to evolve into higher thinking humans and put the questions and the focus on the person who is creating the violence?

#1.2 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:59 AM EDT

1: So, you were smart enough to graduate from Harvard, but too dumb to recognize abuse

Academic ability does not indicate that a woman is above all the emotional pressures that society imposes upon her. Women are taught from the time they are young that she is responsible for the failure of a relationship, that she needs to be forgiving if her marriage is going to work. When women do walk away, they are very often told they are selfish and immature -- and to go back. Many churches teach women that violence and abuse is not a reason to get a divorce. Some churches even teach that the husband has the right to "discipline" his wife. Almost all churches teach that the woman must be submissive to her husband, which sets up the paradigm that makes abuse possible.

Abuse victims don't want to stop loving their abuser. They want the abuse to stop and want the man they fell in love with to reappear. The abuser doesn't admit that he presented a false facade. He reprises the charming self he used to intice her and promises the abusive self will not return. Of course, the abuse continues.

Abuse victims are also heaped with guilt -- by ttheir church, the abuser, by family, sometimes even by friends. Since the self-esteem of girls is attacked from the time they are little, it is a miracle that any woman manages to have enough self-esteem to believe the abuse is not caused by anything they've done.

2 votes

#1.3 - Tue May 5, 2009 6:26 PM EDT

swgirl926

It doesn't have anything to do with intelligence or the lack thereof. Maybe, like many of us, she bought into the stereotypes and myths about domestic violence and the abusers themselves that are a big part of the reason that we continue to have this problem.

Think of it this way: Every time someone's experience with domestic violence comes to light, there is invariably someone who makes the comment that this wouldn't have happened if women didn't gravitate toward "bad boys". What type of person does that bring to mind? I don't know, maybe someone who is uneducated, maybe someone who can't hold down a job, has a certain "look", perhaps? I don't think I am off-base in saying that this stereotype pops into a lot of people's heads when the word "abuser" is mentioned. Therefore, when she met her "good on paper" husband, she was hard-pressed to believe that she would one day be in harm's way, because he didn't fit the stereotype. I have a hard time believing that many, if not most, other people would not have felt the same way as she did had they been in the same situation.

One thing I would have liked to see in the article (although I suppose it's in the book), is more elaboration on what transpired between the time her ex revealed that he suffered from child abuse, and the time that he first hit her. This might help others recognize and leave a bad situation before it becomes physical. The way the article is written, it's implied that the one red flag was that he was abused as a child. Some could be led to write a perfectly good partner off for having a bad childhood, while ignoring some present-day behaviors that are more reliable indicators of an abuser.

1 vote

#1.4 - Wed May 6, 2009 3:19 AM EDT

Letschacha

She is as screwed up as he is

1 vote

#2 - Tue May 5, 2009 7:48 AM EDT

Having gone thru' abuse and now voluteering to help women of domestic abuse, I can tell you that the smartest of us get fooled. Instead of ridiculing someone who is brave enough to share her story and maybe make a few more women take the big step of leaving the circle of abuse, and get the help they need, we should either not criticize (preferably) or better yet SHUT UP!!

It is the most humiliating and self-esteem crushing thing to happen to any one. AND it can happen to both sexes - I have dealt with men who were abused by wives as well.

1 vote

#3 - Tue May 5, 2009 9:21 AM EDT

People who haven't experienced it simply cannot understand how you get pulled in to an abusive relationship or why it's so hard to dig yourself out. It's kind of a form of brainwashing. That's why the author makes her point about it "maddening" those who don't understand how someone can stay in such a relationship. It is maddening, but you should try to have compassion for these people who live their lives in terror believing they really have no place to turn or fear that if they attempt to, the consequences at the hand of their abusers would just be worse.

#3.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 9:41 AM EDT

Max Mino

BLA BLA BLA!! I LOVE MISERY BLA BLA BLA!!! I DATE PEOPLE HOW I TRUELY SEE MY SELF!!! BLA BLA BLA!!!! What a joke!! pity party poor poor little ole' me!! make a choice! either deal with it or put up with it!!

RIHANA, JUST BECAUSE YOU CAME FROM THE GETTO DOESN"T MEAN YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE IT, BABY!!! CHRIS BROWN IS A LOOSER, GEt A REAL MAN that loves you for you and is a nice guy? but YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOUR SELF FIRST!!!!! Talking to people who love depression and misery eat it up with a spoon and can't be talked to. you can only change your self and don't think you can change him or any one because they wont, and they can only change themselves if they want to no matter what you do.

1 vote

#4 - Tue May 5, 2009 9:26 AM EDT

shaun9274

Neither one of them came from the ghetto, but I'm sure you just assumed that because they are black. Back to the article, Rihanna is young and probably thinks she is madly in love. When you are in love, sometimes you tolerate things. I have married middle aged friends who have caught there husbands cheating, yet they stick it out time and time again.

1 vote

#4.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:49 AM EDT

Max Mino

really, Rhianna is black? are you sure? I could have sworn she was from the Caribbean Islands? okay, I don't know what I was thinking, my bad! I don't follow much. when it comes to chrissy and rihanna other than this stupid enactment. I apologize, you hear me!! I said I was sorry! sorry, my chrissy ghetoness was starting to show. I gotta go now before it gets any worse.

1 vote

#4.2 - Fri May 15, 2009 10:52 AM EDT

Exzuma Clark

Your Ex-husband appear to be very hateful and evil,it sounds as if he had something against you that was personal and from the past.Did he not show any signs of abuse during dating.Allow no one man or women to treat you any type of the way,put a stop to it right away.Some people allow things to fester and giving up all your power to the other individual only give them power they never had,people test you with little things and the more you submit the more strenght they gain.A man like your Ex-husbandwould think twice before he open his mouth with some females , much more touch them.

#5 - Tue May 5, 2009 9:38 AM EDT

Nice letter. I hope it reaches many abused women and has a positive influence on them. I understand abuse, and there is no excuse for the bruises that Rihanna endured. However....I'm curious...as Mr. Brown was driving the car that night, we do not know if Ms. Rihanna was throwing a celebrity tantrum in a jealous rage and whacking on him to provoke a reciprocated attack. I am NOT saying she deserved it by any means, just that if someone started to hit me, I would be very inclined to hit back to protect myself. Especially if I was driving. Regardless, relationship OVER.

#6 - Tue May 5, 2009 9:43 AM EDT

There has been no indication that she started it or that she even fought back. That has been brought up many times, but still, there is nothing that indicates that she was being violent as well.

#6.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 11:11 AM EDT

Why even bring up the idea that she did something to provoke him? No matter what she did (and there is no indication she did anything), he could have chosen to remain nonviolent. He could have chosen to use only enough force to stop her until he could get out of the vehicle to safety.

He didn't. He chose to savagely beat her, to choke her into unconsicousness and to threaten to kill her. This is not the first time this man hit a woman and probably not the first time he battered her. This is violence inflicted by a habitually violent man. No one starts being violent with such an extreme attack.

1 vote

#6.2 - Tue May 5, 2009 6:29 PM EDT

STC-669898

I am an abuser. The reason I say am is because I abused (physically, verbally, and mentally)my ex-wife a number of times. I have remarried and the physical abuse has stopped and my new wife has curb my sharp tongue. She recognized my behavior early in the relationship and quickly gave an ultimatium, either get control or she was gone.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't regret my behavior with my ex-wife. She did not deserve it and I can't imagine the fear she must have had. My ghost will always haunt me, I wish I could make it up to her some how. She has since moved on, remarried as well and started a family, I hope she is happy now. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am and that it wasn't her fault (she probably knows this now and is healing).

I believe that part of my behavior is that I was abused as a child, not making any excuses here, I'm sure there are a number people that are abused and don't abuse their loved ones, but this may be a cause. I also learned the drinking often triggered my abusivness, I don't drink any more, I've been sober for 3 years. I also think I was too immature for a deep relationship, I was 19 when I married my first wife, I'm now 31 and I have deeper understanding of what a relationship is suppose to be.

I've been to a number of counselors, marriage, alcohol, mental, etc... to get control. The problem is that there is always a chance for a relapse. There are days when my anger boils up, but I've learned to leave, take a time out, try to people put my wife feeling before my own.

So if you are an abuser, this something you'll have to work at your entire life and still may not be successful. If you recognize that you are abusive seek help. Go to a church, social worker, even AA can get you some help.

If you are abused leave now, it doesn't get better before it gets worse. You can't fix him, only time, professional help, and interstinal fortitude will help him. There are other men out there for you.

So for all of you that are abused or abusive, I'm praying for you, do the right thing. As for my ex-wife (KLJ) I give you a lifetime of I'm sorry.

Remorseful

#7 - Tue May 5, 2009 9:46 AM EDT

Max Mino

you were willing to change because you had the strength to look inside yourself and see your flaws and fix them for you, to better your self, you made A CHOICE!!

you are a good man STC-669898, good job!

#7.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 9:56 AM EDT

Wow! God bless you and good for you (and your loved ones). You are, unfortunately, the exception. After suffering your own traumas, you were left with enough character, and understanding of the priorities in life and had enough love left in you to make that commitment to change.

#7.2 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:25 AM EDT

Thank you STC I have been waiting for someone like you to come forward and comment. I have some questions for you though, do you think your ex-wife encouraged your abuse because she stayed with you after you had started to abuse her? Do you think it was her fault that she was abused because she didn't leave after the first or second time it happened? Do you think she deserved to be abused because she tolerated your abuse? There are many people who think if a woman stays with an abuser then she is responsible for whatever abuse occurs to her. There are even people who consider it a "match made in heaven". What are your thoughts on that?

Good for you for making better choices. It may be difficult, but in the long run, its the best thing for you. Stay on this path and you will never have to worry about spending the rest of your life in prison because you may have killed someone you claimed to love.

#7.3 - Tue May 5, 2009 11:05 AM EDT

STC-669898

Hi Jane,

Good questions. At no point do I think the abuse she incurred was her fault in anyway.

She stayed because she loved me and she thought she could change me. I'm sure she suffered from some version of Stockholm Syndrome. I was very manipulative, every time after the abuse occurred, I would do everything in the world to show her that I'd change, but I never did, because at that time in wasn't in me.

She was a victim multiple times, she didn't deserve anything but for someone to love her, the way she loved.

Some people wonder why she didn't leave or why women just don't pick up and leave, it's because the abuser breaks them down in every way, they're just not strong enough to leave at that point. Just like abusers who want to change, abusees need to look deep down and find a will to change. It's very hard to makes these changes and it takes years of commitment and sacrifice.

People can only change themselves, you can't make people change.

If you know someone who is abused or someone who is abuser support them give them assistance, you won't make them change, but be there for them.

Abusers are very reluctant to seek help because the negative stigmas associated with being an abuser. Help them by telling them that you don't condone their behavior, but you care for them and want them to get better as well.

Don't be afraid to call the Police if needed. Protect them victim first, then seek help for both parties. Here is a helpful website.

#7.4 - Tue May 5, 2009 11:30 AM EDT

STC-669898

BTW,

The only reason the abuse ended in my first marriage was because I left. I knew I need to fix me and I couldn't do it with her there. It had nothing to do with love; I loved her, no matter how it appears. I knew I the marriage was irreparable, because I had broken it. I'm afraid had I not left, things could have been worse for us both.

#7.5 - Tue May 5, 2009 11:39 AM EDT

Thank you STC. For many years now I have volunteered in one capacity or another in battered women's shelters and everything you say follows with what we tell the women in these situations. I appreciate that you are willing to share your experience with us. Good luck with managing yourself and your relationship.

#7.6 - Tue May 5, 2009 2:51 PM EDT

STC, your posts brought tears to my eyes. How eloquent and powerful it is to hear from a man who's faced his demons and decided on change.

I hope your words reach people who are in the midst of DV. They need to hear -- both the abuser and the victim. The dynamics of abuse are overwhelming and, as you said, destroy the emotional wisdom and resilience that is needed in order to escape.

Thank you -- and please keep telling your story. It is one that is not heard often enough.

1 vote

#7.7 - Tue May 5, 2009 6:35 PM EDT

Tired of F'Ups

The first time she was hit, she was a victim, anything after that is her decision. I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone would stand to be abused like this, especially from a so-called "loved one". It really gets old to hear the the same song and dance about complex situation, poor self-esteem, financial situation, blah blah blah.

For the seemlingly smart women, Ill try to make it a little bit more clear:

If he hits you - LEAVE

If he threatens your family/friends - LEAVE

If he abuses you in anyway - LEAVE

I can imagine all of the "your so stupid/you dont know" replies, but the bottom line is no body ever hit me.

Finally, if your a guy reading this and you have hit a women before, for any reason, consider yourself a real scumbag POS.

#8 - Tue May 5, 2009 9:52 AM EDT

Easier said then done. Most abusers, if not all, abuse mentally as well. You are nothing, you are ugly, no one wants you, you are lucky to be alive, the kids know what a bad mom you are, you will never see the baby again, I shall kill you and the baby etc.

Just undestand that it is not always as easy as it seems to leave! There are many other aspects to this.

AND yes the guy is usually a scumbag! ;)

1 vote

#8.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:09 AM EDT

Tired of F'Ups

Again, stop with the excuses. You can only be abused if you allow yourself to be abused. Hey Normalgenes, your ugly........Now can I come over there and hit you???? Of course not, Stop defending stupidity and lack of self worth. Im almost to the point of agreeing with the old adage "They must like being hit if they stay", because no answer or reasoning explains a choice to stay.

Again, for the common-sense impaired, if you get hit, LEAVE...end of story

ANything else is just a rationalization for really stupid choices

#8.2 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:43 AM EDT

Tired, you're the one who's rationalizing, you are rationalizing the inappropriate behavior of abuse. You are essentially saying that if you allow another to abuse you then that other person has every right to do so and it is absolutely all right for them to do it. That is not correct. It is never ok to abuse another. NEVER.

#8.3 - Tue May 5, 2009 11:08 AM EDT

8.2: "They must like being hit if they stay", because no answer or reasoning explains a choice to stay.

Do you know anyone who enjoys being battered? I don't. There are many reasons why they stay, including people who ridicule them because they are victims.

70% of women who are murdered by their intimate partners are murdered when they try to escape his power and control. His constant threats make it clear that is his intent. There is no reason why she should not believe he will carry out his threats since he's already proven his intense need to be violent.

Abusers don't just threaten the victim. They make it clear that if she tries to escape, he will murder her kids, parents, siblings, friends and even pets. He threatens to shoot up her workplace and stalk her wherever she goes. Our media is constantly reporting on abusers who've carried out their threats. Why shouldn't she believe the monster who's torturing her will do the same? Isn't that a heavy burden to carry -- the death of everyone you love because you want to be free of the violence?

The time, energy and finances of the victim are dominated in every way by the abuser. Escaping takes all of those if it is to be successful. Without adequate preparations, the result will be more violence. Would you choose that? Isn't she wiser to remain as safe as she can rather than create a situation where the danger will escalate dramatically?

The abuser uses the kids as hostages. He knows his victim's conscience will not allow her to flee and leave her children at his mercy. So he keeps close tabs on the kids, which keeps her trapped in his violence.

There are many more reasons why she doesn't just walk out the front door. Before you criticize, educate yourself and if you really care, volunteer to help DV victims find safety and a better life.

1 vote

#8.4 - Tue May 5, 2009 6:43 PM EDT

Delainey

Not always in these abusive relashonships do they always end in disaster....My husband became violent to me 6 years ago. We did love each other, and still do. He beat me up twice, horribly. He also struck my friend in the face, a woman I worked with at the time, and I had pretty much gave up on him. But, because I loved him, I wanted to believe that he could change. We started to go to counseling, with the threat that I would leave him, and take our 3 children. He went to anger management classes. To this day....he has never touched me again...We found that he needed medication for being bi-polar. After he started taking this medication there was a drastic change. I am glad to this day that I gave him another chance, we are the best of friends...Sometimes in life things happen that we cannot control. I had so many people tell me.."He will never change, they never do...Your so pretty, just find someone else." None of them seemed to understand that I was so heartbroken, and would have done anything to try at least to save our relashonship. We are still together...fight free. Sometimes counseling, anger management does work...I gave him one more chance, and I guess he loved me enough to make it work. I told him if he ever touched me again in a violent way it was over, and I stand by that still. However, in our case love did overcome the beatings...He has never touched me again in an abusive way. I love him to this day, and don't know where we would be without one another.....So when people say, they can never change, that's not always true.....:)

#9 - Tue May 5, 2009 9:53 AM EDT

I am happy for you and him!! We need more people like you advocating change! This is a very real issue and needs attention.

1 vote

#9.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:11 AM EDT

Ina-1081444

as a young lady in my twenties I married a Viet Nam vet who drank too much and beat me up several times

he put a cigarette out on my arm and broke a bottle over my head as I drove

I lied to my family for a long time before I left him-he drank himself to death eventually

my main regret is that I never tried to defend myself or hit him back-I was covering my face so I would not end up with a black eye

I wasn't stupid, I was just young-those of you that don't sympathize are cold hearted and out of touch with reality

1 vote

#10 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:09 AM EDT

Not really cold hearted Ina, just unable to understand how a sensible, career oriented person who is well educated to boot, cannot break the cycle OR feel that it is not their fault in some way.

Even some of my closest friends had no idea till I told them. I was more ashamed of myself for getting myself in that situation than anything else. But, luckily I also had the strength to get out of it, finally. Took me some years though, sadly.

1 vote

#11 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:16 AM EDT

Ina-1081444

it took me seven years to leave
I too felt ashamed for not getting out sooner. I honestly thought for a while that if I just loved him enough, he would change and stop hurting me and get some help for his drinking problem. As I said, I was quite young and still had a romantic optimism that things would get better. That is not usually the way it turns out in real life.

1 vote

#11.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:28 AM EDT

Andre'

Open letter to help Rihanna my arse! Great way to promote your book for money in your pocket.

Keep your advice. It is old and numerous times rehashed. Not an original sentence to be found.

1 vote

#12 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:23 AM EDT

Faith-948182

I understand the need to empathize with someone who is in a similiar predicament but it's a bit outrageous. Women who are abused are sometimes too widely accepted as being the victim. They choose to put a blind eye on the situation because that person is so called, "so in love" that they grin and bear it. It's unacceptable behavior, you can choose to seek out help instead of making tireless excuses for not only your behavior but the one who continually abuses that person. Obviously Rihanna is like most people who know what they should do but instead will only learn via her own experiences until it could possibly be too late. It's her life but I'm tired of people making excuses for those people's bad behavior/putting themselves in a bad situation where everyone around them is stating it's wrong to be in a relationship such as this. Hopefully she'll learn sooner rather than later and Chris Brown should really get his act together, no hitting a girl (as well as vice versa). I know they are both young but that is no excuse for ill mannered actions. You know right from wrong at a very early age, this is no different.

#13 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:23 AM EDT

Again, I'm no fan of either of these people and do NOT condone what Mr. Brown did no matter what. Still, I hate to say it but my bet is that she feels guilty because she knows she provoked it, knows her own behavior (prior to receiving the blows) was completely unacceptable as well and he is taking the public lashing as well as the damage to his career. In the end, their relationship will likely never recover because as she sails on, he will struggle and resentment will build. They are doomed, but I hope they BOTH learned a lesson.

1 vote

#13.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:30 AM EDT

shaun9274

Great assessment and I love the fact that you did not have to degrade either party to make your point.

#13.2 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:51 AM EDT

The best book I have read for this (years ago) is called "Women who love too much" - basically addresses all dysfunctional relationships. What struck me most in the book, and "Good Witch's" post reminded me, is how women will move from one abusive relationship to another. There's a sort of an unconscious radar with women who find themselves in repeat abusive relationships that gravitates them toward men who will abuse them. The connection is made (familiarity? security/comfortableness) before words are even spoken and I have found this to be so TRUE! It's called "the dance". Interesting is that while a woman may say "I will never allow myself to be in an abusive relationship again" they may consciously find a new guy who won't physically abuse them however there is emotional/verbal abuse. Same thing, sometimes even worse. But the book also addresses the dysfunction in the woman and how we need to look at ourselves as part of the problem, why we are making these bad choices and it's usually due to a very co-dependent personality. Blah, blah, enough of my armchair psychology, but I really do suggest reading the book for you women who seem to find yourself in repeat bad relationships. It was a real eye opener and I definitely had to train myself to stick it out with a nice guy.

#13.3 - Tue May 5, 2009 11:14 AM EDT

Good Witch

My mother married two abusers in a row (first my father when she was 16) and then my stepfather who was the father of my halfsister and brothers. The stepfather, Bob, was a horrible person. He was a molester and abuser. Mom said she never knew about the molestation but she definetly knew of the abuse because it happened to her too. I always wondered why she didn't leave him and let us suffer through that crap. I don't know how many hits I threw or got thrown at me by this person because I was trying to stop him from beating my siblings. And I would be the one to get in trouble because I was "egging" him on. I didn't care, I throw the punches back as hard as they got thrown at me and he was usually drunk it was not hard to knock the dumbass out. There is absolutely no excuse for abuse and just because someone was abused as a child is DEFINETLY NO EXCUSE for this type of behavior. In fact, they should know better and know how it feels to be an abused child.
It only stopped when HE left her after 18 years. He died in 1999 and it was a good day. My mother still apologizes to this day for putting us through that and I say I forgive her but sometimes I wonder if I really do. But I have moved on. It made me realize what type of parent I NEVER EVER want to be. My husband is a great man and a wonderful father to our daughter. I always wondered before I had children if I would end being an abuser. But not all abused children end up damaged. We get through it and move on. If I find myself angry, I remove myself from the situation and let my husband handle it. My daughter will never know the pain of that situation. And I hope to get the message out to other children to PLEASE PLEASE tell someone if someone is abusing you. I wish I had and ended years of abuse early. I'm glad I fought back when I was a tween and teenager because otherwise I might be in the same situation as my mother by feeling guilty for not fighting back.

#14 - Tue May 5, 2009 10:55 AM EDT

Lombardo1982

I want to start out by saying that was Mr. Brown did was repulsive! However I also want to point out that we (the public) do not know all the facts. For all we know this could be an isolated incident in which he lost self control. He is a very young man who has plenty of opportunity to not only address the issues that caused this, but also to grow into a respectable adult. Had the roles been reversed and Rhianna had beat him this story wouldn't be anything but funny to most. (Funny how hypocritical we are as a society) But because its a male perpetrator and hes black (GASP) now all the sudden he's Ike Turner. We have all made mistakes and I must say I find it utterly reprehensible that this journalist and many others further victimize Rhianna by using the situation to further their careers and not letting her heal without having this in her face all the time. How many of you on here have cheated on your wife/husband, called them names, manipulated them to get what you want? I'm going to bet a large majority of you and I'm also going to bet that those of you screaming the loudest about how horrible he is have some guilt contributing to how your feeling. Best of luck!

#15 - Tue May 5, 2009 11:14 AM EDT

Lombardo, there has been no indication that she started this altercation or that she even fought back.

#15.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 2:53 PM EDT

gator-663874

Chris Brown SHOULD spend a lot of time behind bars, in prison. It's easy to say the words "get out", but unfortunately for MANY abused people, it's simply not as easy as saying the words. Thankfully there ARE people willing to tell their stories, to make the victims feel less alone, to help them feel understood. To give them the idea that they CAN leave, and CAN have a life of their own after escaping.

Rhianna's situation created an opening for a sorely-needed dialogue to begin. Attempts to quash the discussion seem awfully mean-spirited...

To anyone who's thinking of getting out of an abusive relationship - seek help. There are organizations in your community that are there to help people in your situation. Life can be SO much more than trying to hide the evidence of abuse, or to try and "save the marriage". A relationship with someone who beats you isn't a relationship WORTH saving...

1 vote

#16 - Tue May 5, 2009 11:58 AM EDT

Justskatinby

Tired of F'Ups, you really hit the nail on the head. For STC-669898, did anyone notice that he couldn't get a way with his behavior with his new wife because he KNEW that SHE wouldn't put up w/ his S — — — . Abusers continue to abuse because they know that they can get away with it.

#17 - Tue May 5, 2009 12:05 PM EDT

Go back and read his response again. You obviously don't get it. He didn't change his behavior solely because his new wife would not tolerate his abuse. He realized that he had very serious problems with anger and violence and that he needed to change that for his own benefit and for the benefit of others. Especially those he says he loves.

This is very interesting to me. Here, STC stood up (like a real man) and took responsibility for his actions, he is holding himself accountable for the pain and violence he created, and you STILL don't want to hold him responsible. You still want to blame the victim, even when the abuser says he was to blame and she did not deserve what he did to her.

#17.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 3:01 PM EDT

ultra low frequency

i read all the letters and i don't see any advice for men who are abused...funny that...maybe we don't exist...maybe we don't say anything because we would be ridiculed and laughed at...maybe we don't say anything because there are scant services for us...i am an abused man...the woman i live with is verbally and emotionally abusive...she screams, throws things, and cuts me with snide little comments whenever she gets the chance...lately she's gone to pulling my ears and grabbing my clothes...we are going to a counselor who is female and it's more of a "beat the old black dog" session than anything else...i want to leave but who do i turn to...who can i talk to...where are the services for men who are abused...or do we not exist?

#18 - Tue May 5, 2009 12:35 PM EDT

I had posted this a little while ago.

It is the most humiliating and self-esteem crushing thing to happen to any one. AND it can happen to both sexes - I have dealt with men who were abused by wives as well.

#3 - Tue May 5, 2009 9:21 AM EDT

I truly feel for you, i have met a few men who are in the same situation as you are. AND the same goes for you, get out before it is too late! May God give you the strength to work thru' this AND yes you do exist!! All of us do!!

#18.1 - Tue May 5, 2009 12:41 PM EDT

Ultralow, all the same advice applies to you. Yes, we focus mostly on women because for the most part they are the ones who are generally the target of abuse, but if you are a man being abused, well, all the same advice goes to you. Seek help, call the police if necessary. The shame you may feel is pretty much the same emotion that women feel about this same issue.

#18.2 - Tue May 5, 2009 3:05 PM EDT

C A Skinner

Chris Brown has a lot of issues and Rhianna will never be able to help him. Love will not fix him. I hope she will save herself and walk away. My beautiful, intelligent, college educated daughter was engaged to a control freak and I saw signs of emotional abuse and tried to talk to her. He finally ended their relationship but stalked her for a while. She has moved on with her life and can now admits that he had problems.

#19 - Tue May 5, 2009 12:41 PM EDT

ultra low frequency

from reading this i get that it's only men who have problems...it seems that women are perfect in every way...i am constantly told that it's me...it's my fault...i'm the one with problems...never her..never "our" problems...only mine...must be nice to know that being a woman means that you are never at fault...the woman in my life never apologizes to me for anything she does...but i find myself saying i'm sorry many times a day...she monitors my mails, my cell phone records, and my friends don't call or come around anymore...i have stopped writing poetry, stopped being in the theater troupe i love working with, stopped being vibrant and alive...i've never cheated on her...i have flirted online a bit but never seriously...i've never beaten her...but i did slap her once when she was beating on me and throwing things...funny how a woman can hit a man and everyone goes...she was only frustrated or he deserved being slapped...but if a man were to do the same thing...all hell breaks loose on that man...even if he is acting in defense...something is very wrong here when we only blame one party in a situation such as this...for the time being i'm still with this woman because i am in school and being retrained...i'm on UI and don't have ready funds to move out...so where are the services for men in this sort of situation?...are there any or are there just words from women who feel we deserve it to cover our wounds?

#20 - Tue May 5, 2009 1:06 PM EDT